BLOGS

How do you make sense of the loss of your child? How do you find closure? Is it okay to stop grieving?

It seems so many children are passing over. In my small world I know of 5 who have crossed to the other side in the past few months! You never know why they left as early as they did. They may have died at 5, 15, or 25 but they are your children and they are no longer here.

Most of you would agree that the one who passes crosses over to a place — and experience — of peace and freedom. They are okay. It is you, the parents, siblings, relatives, and friends, who suffer. Consequently, the suffering that you may feel comes from your own feelings of loss, abandonment, and whatever is happening inside you. It does not come from the child and where they are. Therefore, the closure must come from within you!

Many things make this time difficult for those left behind. So often you hear people say, “They (parents) will NEVER get over this!” That undercurrent sets a stage for a lack of healing and a continuation of suffering. Parents need to heal! They are here to have a life. Furthermore, their healing can further free the child on the other side. So, how might that happen?

The first thing a person who has suffered a traumatic loss needs to do is ask her- or himself what they believe about death. Do you believe the soul continues? Then what do you believe its purpose is? What do you believe happens? At the time of a death, you may doubt your beliefs. So, it is important to re-establish what they are and what they were.

Pay attention to your dreams. You may have a dream that appears very real where the child who has passed appears to you and tells you something. They are showing you they are okay. You can use these dreams to ask them your most important questions. In order to remember to do that, write down what you would want to ask your cherished one if you could. This will help anchor the question in your mind for dreamtime. This is another part of your healing.

Be conscious of the thoughts when you are suffering. Notice if your thoughts are taking you back to the point of loss or to the past or to the “what ifs”. Consciously shift your thoughts to a pleasant image of the child being free on the other side. Imagine you can reach out to them as if they were on the other end of a phone. Move your thoughts to imaginings that are positive about the child’s experience rather than anchoring your thoughts in the pain of the past.

Be clear on the dreams you lost when you lost your child. You were invested in the dreams you had for your child. They were your dreams — they are now gone. It is important that you honor those dreams consciously and actively change them to new dreams you have for your child now that they are elsewhere.

Often, in the course of mourning, grieving, and suffering, you can believe that you need to be in pain because it shows how much you loved your cherished one. Society imposes this bizarre thought process. The child who has passed has NO desire for you to suffer because in the suffering you cannot feel the love! Again, you cannot feel love at the same time you are feeling pain, suffering, loss or abandonment. There is a connection you and the child on the other side can feel through your love for one another. That connection can be disrupted during times of great grief or suffering. This can further your feelings of pain and loss! Your healing begins with the love you feel and not with the grief.

Many times the loss of a child happens in a traumatic way. This can cause a traumatic reaction or syndrome in the parent or loved one. Trauma does not heal over time, grief does. Professional assistance can help heal the trauma. As you can see, it is important to heal.

This is just a smattering of what you may be experiencing. There is so much more. Please feel free to send questions, experiences, and comments to kb@kristenbomas.com and/or join me in my podcast.