Love doesn't keep a relationship together. Communication and moving beyond your defenses does.

People fall in love because of the way they feel accepted at the beginning.  You probably wanted to be known and understood in your love.  You wanted to feel wanted and loved.  You wanted to believe it could last forever.  Yet, once your fears got in the way, you did not feel as accepted as you did at the beginning.  This is when the relationship starts to falter. As it falters, most of you will tell the other what they are doing wrong and what you need them to do right so that you feel better.  (Obviously, you do not say it quite like that…)

Communication then, is the key to building a strong and growing relationship that only gets stronger when the challenges enter.  Communication, if about you, will teach your partner who you are, what you need, and why. This stops your partner from making assumptions about what is going on in you.  It also stops you from setting expectations for your partner so that you might feel better. In other words, if you learn to communicate from your Self and about your Self -- NOT about the other -- you will begin to break the cycle of assumptions, expectations, and misperceptions that are anchored in and fueled by fear.

Learning to communicate in this style is in opposition to how you were probably taught. Most of you, if not all, were taught to communicate by filling the expectations of others and by assuming their needs. This new style of communicating may not be easy, but it is rewarding. In this way of communicating, you will open your Self and the relationship to infinite growth in this life. Therefore, love grows and thrives. It does not stagnate and die.

Most of you weren’t "taught" to develop relationships. That is why the magical thinking can take over, leaving you with a fairy-tale vision of loving happily ever after.  This is a setup for you to fall in love and then wonder why it doesn't hold. First of all, the greater the love and partnership, the greater the challenges of each of your lives will be brought to the surface for healing. Second, by design, you can’t go through this life without feeling fears and fear-based emotions.  There is going to be fear! Fear is the absence of love. For example, fear of not being good enough leads to jealousy, insecurity, mistrust, rejection, shame. Fear is in all people.  Therefore, it must be in our love relationships.

Fear fragments and takes you away from love. It is fear, if not healed, that shatters the love. All fear marks, and is marked by, the challenges in your life. Everyone has challenges. It is by definition in this life. So the challenges and fears of life must be a part of your love relationships. Therefore, you want to learn to communicate in a way that allows you to spontaneously and truthfully express your experience of a challenge at the time it is happening. Furthermore, you want to work through that challenge with your partner, not alone.

To learn to embrace the challenges (fear) is to open your Self to the healing of Self and relationship. As you communicate your Self through your truth, you are teaching your partner who you are and what you believe, perceive, and desire. You are speaking of your fears and challenges in an effort to allow the team or partnership to heal you and, therefore, with you.

As you learn to open yourself to being seen and understood at this level you are learning compassion of self and, therefore, compassion of other. It is with the willingness to communicate your truth and to open your Self beyond defensiveness (or fear of threat) that you begin to live compassionately for self and other.  This is where love resides.  It is here that you will find everlasting love and companionship in your life partnership.

As you and your partner speak truthfully and with the willingness and intent to heal, you open the relationship and move it forward.  This is in direct contrast to telling your partner about them and setting expectations, which will limit and thwart the relationship.  Learn to communicate in a way that teaches about you and explores your partner so that they can teach you about them!

I wish you all great, endless love in this life!

I hope you will join me for my latest course on Teach and Explore Communication titled Clear the Clutter of Your Relationship: Learn to Communicate! 

Thank you for reading and sharing this journey with me! If you’re looking to connect with like-minded individuals and share meaningful conversations, I invite you to join my community, “The Sage’s Circle”, on Facebook. Let’s build a space for connection, wisdom, and growth—be part of the conversation today!