BLOGS

Damn!! I can’t believe I did that. How stupid! … You LOST weight! But I surely FOUND it!

How often do you find yourself talking poorly to your Self? Too often people say, whisper, or think negatively of their Self – negative self talk. Sometimes it is so progressed that it happens without awareness. It isn’t that people want to talk harshly to themselves, it is just something that is familiar and learned. People don’t like it when others talk badly about them, judge them, or hurt them. People would rather experience kind words from others. They want to be liked, believed in, and heard. And similarly, they must then learn to talk positively to themselves. Let’s look at the negative self talk and its affects and then address positive self talk and how it can be brought to the forefront.

In order to talk negatively to your Self you must have learned such judgements and labels. It is of your past. And so, the negative self talk is one way you keep yourself from living in the present. Negative self talk keeps you in your past – in those challenges that keep you from true happiness. It is driven by fear of not being good enough or shame. That means that it is not part of who you truly are. It is what you assimilated from everyone else and is how you are carrying them around with you daily!!

How might it serve you to judge and criticize your Self so harshly? (Don’t say it doesn’t!) At some level you may be trying to master those very judgements. Or, you may be looking for the indirect compliments that come when someone says “No you aren’t,” or “Don’t talk to yourself that way.” Whatever it is, it is not comforting you. The negative thoughts are destroying your Self and its identity, confidence, and esteem. They are fueling the very insecurities that you would love to live without. Those insecurities keep you from life’s happiness and fulfillment. Which would you rather experience – laughter and joy or loneliness and sadness? Which do you think you’re feeding when you talk negatively to your Self?

The more you live in judgment of your Self, the more you are living with a fear of judgment from others. Further, the more you live in judgment of your Self, the more you are judging others. Consequently, if you are judging your Self AND others you are doubling up on feeding the fears that YOU are being judged. Ah! That is not a path to happiness!

The judgments and criticisms of your self talk are anchored in your fear-based emotions. Fear feeds on your thinking and then feeds your fear-based thinking. That means the negative self talk feeds upon itself and grows and picks up speed. Much like any fear does – it spirals rapidly. If those thoughts and comments are increasing in your daily existence, then how are they affecting your perceptions of the world around you? Negatively!! Further, if your perceptions are your reality then your reality is pretty negative. Ugh!

As you go forward, listen for your negative thoughts, comments, etc. and say to your Self – “STOP!” Saying stop breaks the momentum and alerts you to the negative self talk. That awareness is the biggest step. Then ask your Self if you would allow someone to talk to your child in the way you just spoke to your Self. Hear and feel the “No.” There are several things you can do at this point to begin the healing, but that’s for another forum. It is critical that the awareness grows so you can slow the talk before you begin any further steps in healing.

Once you’ve said “Stop,” it is time to insert a positive comment. Even if all you can say is “You didn’t deserve that” or “No you aren’t (that),” you have started a positive trend. Positive energy and thinking is more addictive than the fear or negative thoughts! So, the quicker you get started the quicker you begin your path to freedom. As your self talk becomes more and more positive your day will be perceived as more and more positive and people will be more positive around you. And so it goes.

There are several things you can do to help the positive self talk. Make a list of positives about your Self. Make another list of what you would like to hear another say to you. Keep the lists handy for positive self talk after you “stop” the negative thought. Compliment your Self when you complete something or do anything successfully. It doesn’t matter how minor the event. Remember, you could stub your toe and rip your Self up over that little event!! Positive thoughts and verbiage help you develop your dreams, your happiness and your freedom!

I’ll leave you with these two thoughts, one is a beautiful quote and the other is a video. I want you to ask your Self after the video, “Don’t you deserve to feel this way about your Self?”

“Thoughts Become Things… Choose The Good Ones!”
― Mike Dooley

Since the mid 1970’s, we have appeared to grow to be a predominantly litigious society. So much so that liability appears to be more important than life! We no longer think of the child or the person first. We are trained to think of the liability first and the person second. For example, we are told NOT to physically help a person in a car accident because we could be held liable! We have been trained to think “liability” so much that we no longer trust (although this is only one of several components). Furthermore, the “liability” mentality appears to have aided in the fragmentation of our society and culture! “Liability” positioning also seems to have aided in the entitlement that appears to be a dominant characteristic of our people. It is a fighting mentality: a me-against-you mentality.

Anyway, I have digressed. To me, the most painful of all of this is the reality of liability overriding human welfare. It is no longer a community raising the children. It is the community staying away from someone else’s child. Thereby creating an environment with an absence of safety for the child. Think about it. A child who plays with friends in the neighborhood and knows all adults are watching him or her to be sure he or she is ok, feels very safe. A child who walks “empty” streets to a friend’s house (because they know no other adults), feels greater aloneness and fear. So, fear begets fear! Fear fragments! So, here we are — a culture where we are increasing the fear and mistrust.

Is it starting to make “sense” why we are so mistrusting and litigious?! Can you see how, if we are untrusting of one another, we cannot have community and if we do not have community, then we are going to become self-centered, -serving, and -contained?! It is from that point that the “paranoia” of litigation begins. I have known many professionals in the health-care industry who do the least possible reporting of child and spouse abuse. In other words, if another reported the abuse, they document that in their notes and keep moving forward like they are not responsible. But what about when they have information that could decide the case? Many times, a health-care professional sits quietly in the background due to fear of litigation if they come forward with their proof. Often times, there is a person who suffers as a result of that choice to refrain.

It is no longer ok for a physician to tell the spouse what is going on with their partner without formal ok. I have witnessed a situation where a violent parent was visiting with their adolescent child. The child was scared about the parents intention. Yet, when I asked the charge nurse to dispatch a behavior technician into the visitation room to quietly observe the interactions, I was met with a resounding NO! I was informed the facility cannot be liable. What about the welfare of the child?! An adult person, in a seriously abusive relationship, cannot get support until there is “physical evidence” (physical harm) — because of liability. We cannot seek support in an abusive relationship until the physical abuse has taken over to a point of visibility??!! How does a culture allow this to get so out of control?

With the absence of community and family, and the absence of trust, the more fear in which we will live and therefore the more litigious we will become as a people. The more litigious we become, the more we will fear one another and the less apt we are to feel apathy, altruism, and responsibility to protect or warn. A great example is one day I was a passenger in a car of 7 adults. We passed a new accident. I said, “call 911”. The response I got was, “No, I’m sure that’s already been done!” So, I pulled my phone out and called and everyone got upset that I wasn’t obedient. Here’s why I wasn’t. Years ago on an Easter weekend, I was on Alligator Alley in South Florida. Two cars in front of me I saw the smoke of an accident and immediately called 911. I described the accident as it had just unfolded and gave the mile marker 45 for reference. I was one of MANY passing cars and yet was the first to call emergency services. So, why was i the first? Why do people not want to get involved? I believe that we have lost our sense of community and altruism. I believe that, in part, we are thinking too much about protecting our Self from litigation to respond to the welfare of our people.

For today, notice at least one thought you will have that is aware of liability. Then allow yourself to answer the question, “Where did I learn to think this way?” If we can move beyond this mentality one person at a time, we have the hope of creating change in the way we each help one another.

How many of you would like to achieve greater peace and less stress in this new year? This week I am offering you a 60-second tool that can be used throughout your day to help you reduce the feeling or impact of the stress in your life. You will be able to use this technique at your desk, in a meeting, while driving, in bed to sleep and so much more.

We have become unconscious of much of our Self and our body in our busy days. So today, let’s begin being conscious of just our breath. You will want to practice this exercise often. If you do, it will soon become second nature to put your self into a relaxed state in any environment or situation.

Before clicking play, please put both feet on the ground, lean back comfortably, and enjoy!!

Now that you have experienced the technique, keep practicing it. Should you be interested in learning more about relaxation techniques or meditation, please feel free to write me or comment on the blog!

Approximately 50% of the people will attempt to state resolutions and of those, 88% will not achieve success with their desired goals.Those statistics are very well known. There are numerous articles on why resolutions don’t work. So, why an article on how they do work? Because there are behavioral measures we can take to be successful in the short term and then there are ways to incur permanence. This article will address SUCCESSFUL RESOLUTIONS.

Most people set resolutions to reinvent their Self or to find greater “happiness” in their life. Yet, the top resolutions set are:

This list suggests that most Americans believe that these external goals will bring an internal experience of general happiness in life. So the ultimate goal is their happiness. They “think” these goals will bring them that. Consequently, there is a “why?” that you need to ask. If there are aspects of your life that you wish to change, then what was causing them in the first place? Why are these challenges existing in your life? There is something that keeps them active. It is this question, unanswered, that sits under the goals you set and slowly eats away at your success IF you only implement behavioral change. So, let’s address the behavioral measures you can take, some thinking you can change, and then let’s look at some other things you can “do” to ensure greater long-term success.

WHAT TO DO

Quietly sit down and choose those resolutions that are important to you. Write down ALL of them. Then pick your top three. With each of those 3:

HOW TO THINK

Positive thinking is the only way to achieve success because success is a positive. You cannot achieve a positive with a negative.

Listen for thoughts or statements of hidden expectation:

Each of those phrases is speaking to you about how you have expectations tied to your resolution. Expectations are not from you — EVER! They are always from what you have learned from others. Those phrases, when thought or spoken, are telling you that this is an area of internal conflict. In other words, what you have scheduled your Self to do does not match your internal comforts. The expectations undermine your success by pulling you toward feelings of not good enough. This is a time you are desiring a reinvention of your Self in some way. You do not need other people’s expectations pulling you away from your desires!

Finally, listen within your Self for thoughts of hope. With hope there is doubt. “I hope I can … !” suggests you doubt you can. This is a very different hope than the spiritual hope. Listen to your thoughts for statements of hope and ask your Self what your doubts are! Once you identify the doubts you can heal them. Otherwise, they will undermine your success. Doubt is fear, fear undermines positive thinking!

HOW TO DEVELOP THE EXPERIENCE

It is the internal experience that the resolution gives you that is critical to your life. To develop that, you must know what it is you wish to experience. What are your desires that you believe your resolution will give you? What will it feel like within you once you achieve your resolution?

Once you have identified the experience your goal offers you, there are several things you can do to enhance your success of meeting your goals.

In conclusion, you can be one of the 0.7% of people who are successful with their New years’ Resolutions if you can develop a plan of what you can do to incorporate the change, change your thinking, define the way the success of the resolution will be experienced, and then build upon living that experience until it is manifest. This process is easily doable but may require some further direction. Please contact my office for online seminars for successful resolutions and with any questions you may have.

I’m very proud to announce that this is the first of many articles which will be featured in Our Town News magazine.

It is a new beginning but most of us will identify with resolutions — whether we make them or not. What was 2013 like for you? Can you name 10 or more things you were grateful for in the past year? Write down those 2013 experiences for which you are grateful and then ask yourself, “How can I build upon these experiences in 2014?”

Too often we look at that which we do not like and then say we are going to change! The problem is that we are coming from an “I don’t like this” position. For example, if I don’t like Lima beans am I really going to be able to force my Self to eat them just because I made a resolution to do so? But if I have been eating more vegetables and I find my Self is enjoying new vegetables then I may make a promise to expand my repertoire of vegetables by tasting new ones and old ones that I did not like. Now, what if we look at our body and we dislike it and say we are going to change it? Is that like Lima beans? YES! We will try to avoid that which we do not like. So, we will work out an not see immediate results and fizzle because of disgust or some sort of feeling. If we love the feeling of our healthy, fit body we will work toward that experience in small steps.

Honor your Self this new year. Build upon that which you enjoy and wish to enjoy. I am so grateful for all of you are supporting me by reading my blog posts. I thank you! I wish you all a very happy and fulfilling year ahead!

With warmth,
Kristen

If you had no money how would you gift during the holidays? Would you know how to gift during the holidays?

Oftentimes people get caught up in buying the gifts: the expensive gifts, multiple gifts, or the perfect gift. No matter your style, are you caught up in buying the gift? When you buy the gift is it coming from you for them? Do you know the person for whom you are buying the gift well enough to know what would please them? Does your gift carry meaning for you? For example, does your gift have to be special so that you feel good enough when giving it.

We are bombarded by advertisements, marketing pitches, commercials, all telling us to buy buy buy. They even cater to the children so that the children will ask “Santa” to buy buy buy. Technology pushes for the latest and greatest so that we will buy buy buy. Is that what Christmas and the Holidays are about?

When we buy buy buy do we buy American? Do we buy from our immediate community? Do we support our neighbor? Or are we too worried about that perfect gift that we do not get creative enough to support those who support us? We have lost the idea of gift giving.

So, imagine you have no money. What would be your gift? It would be you. Do you know how you are the gift? Would you know what it is about you that you are gifting? Maybe it’s time,during this holiday season, to look within and know what it is that makes you such a magnificent gift!! Then, look across at the person to whom you are giving gifts and recognize in them that beautiful gift they are to you! Take the time to consciously recognize and appreciate the gift of the lives and people around you during this holiday season. If you live this holiday as if it is your entire life, you will know that the only gift that has meaning is the gift that is you.

Please share a story of a gift you have given or received that stands out to you!

I have met many people who feel anxiety, or feel their anxiety increase, as the holidays take hold. For some, it can be disabling. For many others it is in response to their relationships, stressors, and/or external expectations. Let’s look at several examples.

In conclusion, there are many events, experiences, or symbols that can trigger anxiety. During the holidays those triggers can be pronounced or multiplied thereby affecting more and more people. If you or someone you love experiences some anxiety, remind them to breathe and to focus on their breath going in and out. Sit with them as they breathe like that for 10 breaths. As they feel some relief, begin moving forward without a conscious focus on the anxiety but a focus on a solution to the holiday stressors instead.

For more information on anxiety in general, please see previous blog articles:
Anxiety: What is it, what causes it, what to do about it? Part 1
Anxiety: What is it, what causes it, what to do about it? Part 2
Anxiety: What is it, what causes it, what to do about it? Part 3

Holidays can be very difficult for those who are in recovery, those who know people who drink or party too much and see it increase at this time, and for those who are using and feel the need to use more during this time. How do we help those who we love? How do we help our Self? What are the signs of a situational experience versus an addictive pattern?

The holidays are a time for family and friends to gather. So, it is a time of celebration and parties. But, it is also a time to feel the absence of acceptance, the loneliness, the family patterns that send your emotions reeling, and so much more!

If someone you know is suffering from any of the emotional challenges and has a problem abusing substance, this time of year can be a fire ball. That person may feel a need to run to the most secure relationship in her or his life — the bottle or drug.

For many in recovery, this can also be a challenging time because of the myriad emotional, environmental, social, and physical triggers. It is a time for feeling the true camaraderie with fellow recovering persons. Yet, can also be a time when that person may feel the difference and, consequential, loneliness.

If you are someone who quietly feels you are drinking too much or using drugs too much, this may be a time of year that further frustrates you. Consequently, there will be an increase in the judgments you put upon yourself for not meeting expectations of quitting but, in fact, increasing your intake.

Let’s all see if we can help each other feel love and acceptance at this time. This is a great time to ease someone into treatment IF they need it. When i worked at in-patient hospitals for substance abuse/addiction, we had a full house during the holidays and after…. Think about it. No one wants to suffer. Today, let’s think about our friends, family or self and ask what we can do to help them into recovery and freedom from suffering.

For more on addiction and recovery, here are some of my past blog posts:

Part One – Healing Addiction
Part Two – Addiction and the Abuse Pattern
Part Three – The Emotional Roller Coaster of Addiction

Happy Thanksgiving!! I am so very thankful for all of you who are reading my writings and for your comments!! I am also very thankful for all who have paved the way for the freedom I am able to experience in this life and in this country!

Thanksgiving originated as that experience when pilgrims and natives shared and celebrated abundance, freedom, and unity. For many of us, this is a time to express our thanks for freedom and so much more in our lives. And, so, I would like to offer some of my thoughts.

This country is founded on unity that is defined by it’s diversity and it’s people. So, our forefathers developed a bifurcated system of democrats and republicans to allow for the diversity and the unity to exist through a dualistic model. They were wise. (As a side, life presents in a dualistic model: we know there is an up because there is a down; we know there is an inside because there is an outside.)

I would like to suggest that we remember that our freedom is built upon our differences and let’s be thankful for that. I ask for a day when we do not judge, criticize or hate because “they” are not of our party. I am not sure when or why the two parties became so hateful and brutal. we are not an offense and a defense! Whether Democrat or Republican, we are all Americans. I truly hope that on this day we can all be grateful that we have diversity and be thankful that we can all have our own beliefs, opinions, heritage and religions. … I am thankful that we are a free nation and a free people.

My second thought comes from the fact that much of our forefathers’ expanded thoughts and creations came from interactions with the natives. Unfortunately, our freedom came at the expense of another’s loss of freedom — our Native Indians and our warriors. Let us be grateful to the Native Americans as we celebrate this Thanksgiving for they were an integral part of our forefathers’ beliefs and courage. As examples, Benjamin Franklin was enamored by the democracy and liberty that defined the Iroquois and Mohawk tribes; and, it was Thomas Jefferson who wrote, “I am convinced that those societies (as the Indians) which live without government enjoy in their general mass an infinitely greater degree of happiness than those who live under European governments.” This holiday has notoriously not been a pleasant day of thanks for the Native Americans. Our Veterans know better than most the sacrifices made for our freedoms. They have fought and served us always. Yet, let us not forget them and their families as we give thanks and gratitude for our lives on this American Holiday called Thanksgiving!

I truly am grateful for all of you and for your willingness to support me. You will all be part of my Thanksgiving. i am so grateful to be an American and to have the luxuries and freedom that we are offered in this life ! Thank you! May you all have a Thanksgiving that is full of love, abundance, and joy!

Happy Thanksgiving!!!

Whether in business or life each person has a brand. The problem is that most people are unconscious of their brand. How do we consciously and with intent create our own personal brand — a Me Brand?

In business, we are familiar with product and corporate brand. As a result, employees may identify with the company or product brand and thereby not see the importance of their own brand within that structure. An owner may identify with the brand and reputation of her or his company but that does not determine her or his self identity and reputation. People will separate the two. For example, “Joe” may be seen as a brilliant business owner but a miserable man. Identifying with the “other” brand, the individual is not conscious of their Me Brand.

A Me Brand is important for many reasons, e.g., sales, corporate culture, and personal success. A sales person can repeatedly sell a product to a customer or develop a relationship with a client who buys for a lifetime. A customer purchases without loyalty and may shop lowest price or convenience. A client develops loyalty and buys from someone with whom they have a relationship. So, if you would like to develop a relationship with potential clients or existing customers you may benefit from developing a Me Brand.

Often, in order to develop a consistent culture, corporations are using “personality” typing with employees and new hires. While this is helpful, it can be enhanced by assisting the employee with the use of that information to develop their Me Brand. They are then consciously creating their unique identity with their strong qualities and adding to the diverse yet unified corporate team as well as to the clients and or bottom line.

In order to develop a successful career personally, development of your brand is important. Your brand can exist because of the perceptions and assumptions others have of you. That is not a brand of which you are necessarily aware nor is it the way in which you want your brand to develop. Do you know how others perceive you? How do you want to be known? It is important for you to be able to answer that question with honest thoughts and goals. It is also important to understand that there are ways you may want to be known but you may be coming across different. Consequently, it is important to understand what is causing the difference so the correction can be made.

Everything in business starts with you! What is the experience you wish to create and to have in each of your business relationships? In order to define and create those experiences you must be aware of your Self. Your attitude, your philosophy, your personality are the first aspects that your colleagues, peers, managers, clients, and others see and experience. The more aware you are of how and who you are in business (or life) the more clear and consistent your brand will be reflected. The more you are branded as a positive, likable person, the more people and clients will want to know you. Consequently, the greater your success!