BLOGS

To the AMAZING TEAM of JETBLUE flight 470:

My heart bursts with warmth and gratitude for Stephanie, Danielle and the pilots of Flight 470, FLL to BOS on July 02. I will forever remember the beautiful caring support they all offered to my dog — who I thought I was going to lose on my flight for July 4th holiday. Please take a few minutes and hear the amazing story of the efforts of the team on that unusual morning flight. Thank you to all of you. Your teamwork was beyond words and I cannot express my gratitude without tears of joy!! Thank you. You will forever be in my heart.

Why has aggression increased in our TV shows, video games and social media? Join me as I discuss the rising trend in aggression, what it might mean and what you can do to keep from getting swept up in the hype.

Have you noticed how much aggression there is in our everyday experience? Turn on the TV for 10 minutes and you are bombarded. Watch video games and it’s everywhere. Social media is plagued with bullying. Trending topics most days includes at least one story of aggression. Most comments on any controversial topic are angry aggressive comments/opinions/ judgments. Road rage can be seen regularly. Crime is on the rise. Where will it stop? Why has it increased?

Obviously the two last questions are rhetoric. But what if each of us begins to ask ourselves those questions? Is it possible that it opens us to possibly creating an answer? YES!

There is clearly a shift taking place on this earth. There is fragmentation of cultures occurring around the world. Here in America there is fragmentation of our relationships, beliefs, sexes, political parties, and more. Unity is peace. Fragmentation is opposition. In which environment would you like to experience life?

Most of us would like to experience life in peace and fulfillment. Most would like to feel the acceptance by others and their surroundings. So if each of us asks those 2 little above-posed questions, eventually the answers will be unveiled. We will be looking for and asking for the cessation of the aggression rather than the being engaged by the seduction of it.

Let me mention 2 thoughts about behavior. First, anytime we wish to change behavior or extinguish behavior, we have to endure the increase in the old behavior before the cessation or change in behavior occurs. Second, a fearful people are a following people and a loving accepting people are a thinking people. Freedom is exists within each of us and is accessed by our ability to think and express our Selves truthfully and genuinely without hesitation.

That being said, I wonder if this earth is tired of the aggression and is making a change toward peace. If so, could we be experiencing the increase in aggression and fragmentation occurring as a precursor to the squelching of aggression and fragmentation? Could we be on our way to a planet of peace? Concurrent, I wonder if the people are craving freedom from having their thoughts and beliefs controlled and are ready to express their unique Selves but are doing so through the very path of aggression that has held them in place? It is an example of the impossibility of “War for Peace” motto. Just a few larger thoughts offered only as a beginning!

May you each experience a week of peace and true freedom! I hope you include one hour each day where you stay in a place of gratitude and acceptance and in absence of any aggressive or angry thoughts or impressions.

Join me as I discuss the recent transformation of Caitlyn Jenner and how a father is so much more than a gender role. You can also read my contribution in the Palm Beach Post by CLICKING HERE.

We all have fathers. Some of us know our fathers and some of us do not and/or cannot. The role of a father in our life is defined by each of us. Consequently, it has a lot of variety in those definitions, especially if you have 2 mothers. Take a minute and ask your Self what an ideal father is to you. Let it be your definition. Given that definition, what is Father’s Day to you?

Many people have lost their father. They may have lost their father to divorce, drugs or alcohol addiction, military service training or deployment, death, or transgender transformation. It is all loss. For those of you who have lost your father, if this is your first Father’s day since the loss, what are you doing to honor your emotions at this time? Too often, people do not know how to say goodbye. So times like this can be difficult. How have you said your goodbyes? Even if your father is active duty military and has been deployed to another country, you may experience a loss on this Father’s Day. Often, goodbyes are necessary so that you can say hello to the new beginning!

Are you a father? If so, what part of your ideal father image is you? Are you wishing for differences in the way you are a father? On this day of honoring your role in the lives of your children, do you honor your Self? Take the time, to recognize your Self in your fatherhood. Where are you in the lives of your children? No matter where you are, physically, you are always with your children IF you can be present to them emotionally/spiritually. Find your own definition of father and offer your Self the opportunity to enjoy this honor of being Father in this life. It is your gift to your Self on this day.

The country is looking at Caitlyn Jenner’s children and their loss or reactions on this Father’s Day without Bruce. It is a new beginning for them with Caitlyn. It is a new beginning for Caitlyn as well! It is a time for each of them to reflect on what life was about as father and children and how they are feeling today. It is a time to understand that the person who was their father is still in their lives today. Gender is not about the body. It is about the internal intimate essence. That essence has always been there. It is about them learning to accept the presence of the spirit and not get caught with the attachment to the physical encasement of that presence. Easier said than done…

To all of you, fathers and children and both, may this Father’s Day be that day you honor the presence of the father in your life, in physical or energetic, and the impact of that presence. Celebrate, embrace and love that person who has given you the love of a father or just life. What a great gift you have in this life, whether you know him or not.

I was honored to contribute again to the Palm Beach Post regarding Caitlyn Jenner. You can read the full article by CLICKING HERE.

The following are my thoughts as inspired by Dr. Alcalay’s submission to this blog. As you read through his article you see that we are teaching our children to look outward to non-person-based objects. He further states that this overall set of behaviors is affecting our adolescents’ identity and self development as well as their emotional health. I would like to remark on that.

As parents continue to choose to allow their children to focus on external non-person objects, they are inadvertently agreeing to ignore that very child. In general, by allowing children to have an external focus, parents are not helping with the development of the child’s own truth or definition of self. There are a further number of challenges that develop as a result of an absence of focus on the child. Without an understanding of Self, the child may grow not knowing what they prefer, what they like, what they wish to experience, or what they dream.

Without interaction with others, the child may not develop a sense of who they are separate from others. They probably will not develop a sense of social comfort or social skill. Consequently, the child may feel a sense of being not good enough because they don’t have a way to develop a good feeling about their self. At the beginning, we learn who we are by seeing our dreams in others and then transferring that into our Self. For instance a child under 3 has a blanket or stuffed animal to which they are attached. This object is so they can internalize the primary parent: that person who gives them safety, acceptance, and understanding. Without a sense of self that is positive or theirs, the child can become frustrated and fearful leading to anger and aggression as a secondary reaction to the prior emotions.

If our children begin to feel frustrated and angry and they do not have parents with whom they are interacting on a teaching caring level, they become more internally judgmental. Consequently, they then may become more angry and lonely and frustrated. At this point, they may learn to believe that bullying is okay and that aggression is okay. If the television, games, and more are desensitizing them to aggression, bullying and more, this can be a lethal combination. Consequently, they may grow to think their aggression is an acceptable form of expression for their fear-based emotions. Worse, they may not even have a language to express their fear-based emotions.

In the absence of knowing who they are and knowing their emotions, it most probably can lead to an intense sense of shame: the feeling that they are not what others think they are; that they are not good enough; that they are different than others and therefore not acceptable; and so much more.  It is at this point that you may be able to see how easily all of the external focus can lead to an increase in anxiety and obesity.

There’s a further thought, if in fact our children of today are not learning who they are as a person, they are not defining their integrity, remorse, or responsibility in the way that we, the generation of their parents, learned. This can lead to an intense sense of entitlement. I think most of us are aware of the problem we are having in this country with entitlement. Furthermore, without remorse or responsibility being strong in the development of sense of self, our growing children become detached and further desensitized to their own expression of aggression and anger.

Without socializing with others and learning who they are, our children will probably have a much greater propensity to take things personally. Add to that the fear they are not good enough and then they would be even more apt to take things personally.

At this point I think all of us can start to see how the children growing up today run a high risk of not only not knowing who they are but not being able to define themselves through or with or separate from others. Consequently, they may flounder. We are also seeing a rise in suicide, substance abuse and sleeplessness coupled with ADHD and anxiety. That is for another response. Meantime, do we need to wonder why? At what point do we step in and create a stop? At what point do parents begin to say “my only job is to develop in my child the ability to have happiness in this life”? At what point do parents begin to understand that their only job is to create safe boundaries within which a child can explore and grow. When we allow the media, games, and entertainment to raise our children there are no boundaries and there is no safety.

While there is no handbook on how to raise a child? People like Dr Alcalay and I are here and willing to answer any and all questions you may have. We invite all of you to write back or call with your feedback, questions, and concerns. Feel free to tweet @kristenbomas or respond on the website of Facebook. We welcome an interactive platform so that we may serve you and your needs.

I would like to thank Dr. Edan Alcalay for his contribution and partnership in this blog as well as his fellowship on the podcast. Edan is an amazing psychologist and man. It is a great privilege and joy to have him join us on my blog. I am honored to be able to introduce him to all of you.

The Digital Era
Kids spend almost 8 hours per day in front of a screen….Couple that with media multi-tasking, watching a movie and texting or facebooking while surfing the Internet, and it now jumps to 10 hours per day. That 1/3 of a kid’s life is in front of a screen!!!

How is that not going to influence our youth? Anxiety has risen over the past 30 years, ADHD has increased, and Obesity. 25% of youths are diagnosed with an Anxiety Disorder, 1 in 9 have ADHD and Obesity has doubled in children and tripled in adolescents. Alarming!!

Elementary students who spend more than two hours a day watching TV or using a computer are more likely to have emotional, social and attention problems. Exposure to video games also increases the risk of attention problems in children. Children who watch excessive amounts of TV are more likely to bully than children who don’t (Ozmert, Ince, Pektas, Ozdemir, & Uckardes, 2011). Too much exposure to violence on TV and in movies, music videos, and video and computer games can desensitize children to violence. As a result, children may learn to accept violent behavior as a normal part of life and a way to solve problems (Huesmann, Moise-Titus, Podolski, & Eron, 2003).

Where did it all begin… Ronald Reagan. Well, in the 1980’s the Reagan Administration promoted Free Enterprise, ‘let the people govern themselves’. Businesses flourished, economic freedom, somewhat. Just prior to that, in the 1970’s the Federal Trade Commission (FTC) proposed a ban on advertising to children. In the 1980’s, nonetheless, Congress refuted this and called the FTC a “National Nanny”. Marketing companies exploded with advertising campaigns targeting children. The “Nag Factor” was developed where companies learned that if they convince children vis-a-vis commercials to buy their products, they would “Nag” their parents to purchase it.

Saturday morning, perhaps one of the most exciting times of the week, was where back to back cartoons held a TV spot from about 7am-11am. These cartoons were scientifically engineered to have one outcome- SELL. They would have a psychologist on staff in order to manipulate their naive audience. Martin Lindstrom wrote a book called Brandwashed discussing how multi-billion dollar companies spend exorbitant amount of money to brainwash its consumer. Smells, sounds, colors, placement of ads, height of point of sale, are all just a few examples of many. Strollers, bibs, much of kids’ necessities now have licensed character from Elmo to Buzz Lightyear. Infants as young a 6 months old, are able to form “mental image” of marketing campaigns. The Journal of the American Medical Association found that “nearly all of America’s 6-years-old could identify Joe Camel, who was just as familiar to them as Mickey Mouse.”

It gets worse, a study by Chen et al. (1999) found that 1 extra hour of MTV was associated with an increased in potential adolescent alcohol abuse by 31%. Socially, marketing companies have glorified alcohol in order to create an alluring attraction. Not only are the effects of alcohol reinforcing, but the social lubrication and communal component has its benefits as well. With identity being one of the developmental components of adolescents, marketing companies through branding can contaminate this identity search. The branding that companies project on the public becomes the integral part of the self (Aaker, 1996). Through various forms of advertising, marketers embed their brand into the psyche of their target population. Specifically, U.S. Television alcohol advertising has reached 89% of youths under the legal drinking age (i.e., ages 12 to 20) (Center on Alcohol Marketing and Youth, 2008). When the Federal Trade Commission looked into this issue, they stated that there is some evidence that advertising plays a role on underage drinking, yet it is “far from conclusive” (Federal Trade Commission, 1999; U.S. Department of Health and Human Services, 2000). However, subsequent studies looked at 13 longitudinal studies published in peer-reviewed literature, following up a total of more than 38,000 young people (18 and younger) from 13 studies to assess the impact of marketing on adolescents, suggested that exposure to media is associated with a greater probability that adolescents will commence alcohol consumption, or consume more if they are already drinking at baseline (Anderson, De Bruijn, Angus, Gordon, & Hastings, 2009).

Cellphones, our fifth limb, is engrained in us so much that the first thing that people do when they wake up is check their phone. Also, what many do is browse their cellphone at night which according to According to Harvard Medical School sleep researcher Steven Lockley.

This influences our circadian rhythm, and as we know, if we have a difficult night of sleep our emotional/mental heath is poor. Children, especially need at least 8-10 hours of sleep every day for proper development. This is the time where neural connection and synaptic pruning occurs. Millions of American Youth watch television and have a cellphone. Youths who watch more than 2 hours per day of TV are likely to be overweight (Strasburger, 2011). Moreover, in a study among adolescents, intensive mobile phone use was linked to poor perceived health, both directly and through poor sleep and waking-time tiredness (Punamäki, Wallenius, Nygard, Saarni, Rimpela, 2007).

On this day we honor our fallen warriors. It is not a happy day. It is a day of honor. It is a day of reflection. It is a day of pain. It is a day of gratitude. It is a day of loss and a day of gain. Even for those warriors who returned home, it was with great loss in their lives. Life will never be the same for them.

We live with a great freedom because of their gifts that cost them their freedom. Most of our warriors will never feel the freedom in their hearts. Of the families, friends and loved ones of those warriors who passed, most will lose the freedom in their hearts as well. We must not forget this.

On this Memorial Day, during your prayer or your quiet reflections, let each of us send a healing energy from our heart to each of theirs. Feel it. Send it. Know that as each of us opens our heart to its freedom and to its love that we are uniting with those who have served us. Let us begin the healing of the wounds.

On this Memorial Day, recognize the freedom that allows you to believe whatever you believe, worship whatever God you choose to worship or not, marry whoever you wish to marry (almost there!!), speak whatever you wish to speak, be all that you can be and infinitely more! Then say “Thank you” to those who have been willing to fight for our freedom and to maintain a powerful presence on this earth as a free and protective people of all!

IF YOU TRULY WISH TO SAY THANK YOU TO OUR WARRIORS, VOTE!!!!! It is with our votes that we keep freedom alive. Just vote! Vote for YOUR choice of candidate at the local, state, and federal levels. All votes are the right vote. There is no wrong vote. Your choice of party or no party affiliation is a great choice! You have freedom to choose! Have a voice in freedom. Honor the lives that have gifted you this freedom by voting! Keep their memory alive with your vote! Don’t just sit and wait for the warriors to fight for your freedom! VOTE AND SHOW OUR VETERANS THAT THEIR EFFORTS ARE SUPPORTED BY YOURS!

May each of you have a blessed Memorial Day that begins the healing and influences greater freedom!!

How can you accept the unexpected? Listen in as I define unexpected, learn about expectations, and talk about embracing challenges. I’ll also discuss how you can lean to live in the present.

I had the honor of being interviewed by The Palm Beach Post this week for an article regarding Bruce Jenner and transgender issues.

Many people in this country are on standby waiting for Bruce Jenner to announce to Diane Sawyer “something”! We truly don’t know what! The assumptions running rampant are all saying he’s going to announce his transformation from a male body to a female body. The transformation would identify him as a transgender person or as a person having Gender Dysphoria. My greatest concern (after the fact that our media is anchored in assumption rather than fact) is the amount of judgment that will come from those who do not understand what transgender means and is.

We all dream of being unconditionally accepted. In order to be accepted we must be understood. So let me try to help everyone understand a bit about the person who is transgender and then maybe we can have more acceptance through our understanding and compassion.

Right now take a minute to feel that place inside you where you know you are a man or a woman. Feel this knowing inside you that has nothing to do with your reflection in the mirror. It is indescribable. It is simply a place deep inside where you just know you are a man or a woman, a girl or a boy.

Now, when you look at your physical body in a mirror there is a match. If you know you are a woman and you look in a mirror and you see a woman’s body, you feel a comfortable match. I’m not talking about your judgment about the way the body looks! I’m saying your knowingness of being female or male matches, and is confirmed by, the body!

Okay let’s take the next step! Now imagine you leave the mirror and go to your closet and pull out your clothes. If you are a man in a man’s body, you pull out men’s clothing and you have further comfort in the clothing as it rests on your body and further defines you as a man. Now, you go back to the mirror and feel ready to present your Self to others.

You now leave the house to go to your destination. As you enter, you say hello to the first person who you recognize and you hear your voice. And your voice is that of a man or a woman and it matches your clothing, which matches your body, which matches the knowing inside you that says you are a man or a woman, respectively.

I hope you’re starting to feel the depth of your gender and how it matches your body and your lifestyle. What happens for the transgender isn’t anything like what you just walked yourself through. The man feels like a woman on the inside knowing that she’s a woman on the inside but has the body of a man. The reflection in the mirror each and every time is a reflection of a man and that contradicts the knowingness of being a woman. The clothes on this body feel foreign and announce the foreign nature of the body within which this knowing of being a woman resides. Her voice, when she speaks, is that of a man and again confirms that she is not who she feels she is. She reaches for a glass and her hand is not the hand that matches the way she feels inside. There is no comfort or consistency in her experience of life.

How does the person who is transgender learn to accept their own self? How do they learn to be accepted by others when others will never know the truth of who they are on the inside. We don’t feel accepted because of how we look, or what we do, or by what others see. We feel accepted by others when they know who we are in truth, with all of our challenges and all of our strengths, all of our beauty and all of our differences.

So the transgender person lives without acceptance because no one knows, understands, or can accept them because who they are is kept hidden in a foreign body. How can there be acceptance when others don’t know that the transgender person is a different gender on the inside than what the body is displaying on the outside?

A transgender person is not a transvestite or cross dresser or enjoying a fetish. The latter three are choices people make for enjoyment, variation, and/or performance. The transgender person wears, and feels connected to, the clothes when they match the sex they know they are. This is not the same as being a drag queen or feeling sexually aroused by opposite sexed clothes.

A transgender person may feel at least disconnected from, if not repulsed by, their body and genitalia because of the mismatch. They prefer activities that are traditionally of the sex they know they are. Until the time the transgender person chooses to live in a body that matches who they are, they tend to feel very trapped, unknown, unseen, not to mention lonely and more.

So, let’s all do our best to help at least one person understand the person who suffers with Gender Dysphoria! Let’s help them find true acceptance in this life! Let’s remember that this is not a choice. Feel the compassion of the suffering of a fellow human being and help them feel the support of compassion and acceptance. Do not be afraid to ask questions to genuinely learn from the transgender person who you meet or know! There is no better way to show your acceptance and to gain comfort. And remember,

To read the Palm Beach Post story, click here.