Most women would love to be known for who they are and loved for who they are. Yet, in our culture, what defines an attractive woman is her appearance and what defines an attractive man is his achievement. In a heterosexual environment, most men will never meet the beautiful woman who resides in a body that men or society deem as “not so perfect”. And yet, a woman will meet a good man who resides in a not-so-perfect body.

Who defines a woman’s body as beautiful? It does not appear to be women. Women work very hard and spend billions of dollars annually to create a body they feel will be good enough for our society’s definition of beautiful. Did women truly agree that a beautiful body is one that requires intense work and surgery to maintain?

Women very often hate their body. They are more often than not in a state of judging their body rather than loving their body. Women learn this. They learn that their body is a public viewing of how they are not good enough — not good enough to be accepted or loved. It appears to be an experience that gets handed down through mother to daughter! That suggests that women have bought into a patriarchal view that is destructive of them. A view that appears to say, “As a woman you will never be good enough to be a man.” It is the men in society that dictate what an attractive body type is. It is women who agree to attempt to create it. Consequently, it is the women who suffer the consequences of failing to meet the male expectation. What would happen if women decided to set their own standard of what their beautiful body is?

In order for that to happen, women would have to feel their own power. Women have learned to hide their power and play the roles dictated by a patriarchal society. Part of the hiding comes from the historic obedience to men’s desires that women have accepted. Obedience, however, only occurs as a survival mechanism. It appears to be a large part of the survival mechanism that has been learned and ingrained in women for more than 2000 years. Women have been teaching girls and other women how to be obedient to society’s expectations for a very long time. For example, in Florida the schools are now doing a brief physical on the children and sending letters to parents to notify them of overweight and obese children based up on the body-mass index. In a middle school a female athlete was sent home with a letter to give to her mother that said she was overweight. Unfortunately, they had her height off by 2 inches!! the mother of this particular student was very supportive and notified the school but what would have been the repercussions had that young, fit, healthy, teenager read the letter and had no support that allowed her see the error at MANY levels!!

It has been shown and discussed that women are not attractive when they are ambitious and intelligent (e.g., Miss Representation, 2012). Society has been trained to view an attractive woman as a sexy, thin woman not necessarily a healthy, conservative woman. This sets a stage for women to shy away from developing a sense of professional self. She tends to feel there is a conflict between professional and woman. Just the other day, I was sitting in a business meeting when one of the men stood to give a testimonial about the women in the group. His testimonial was that the women in the group are beautiful and manage to get up early enough for the early meeting to put on their make-up!! Seventy percent of the women were appalled and angry, while 30% giggled and thought it was funny!! All of the women in the group are high-powered business owners or professional (attorneys, doctors, etc.). Even many women who are successful in a corporate environment either shut down their sexuality and dress androgynously or overstate their sexuality and dress provocatively. Why? Because both extremes develop out of a focus on the image of what they are not. Why have women not developed a style that “suits” them in the business world. Each person can develop their own insignia rather than blending into the masses or the expectations. This is where women can begin to teach one another a new way of expressing their professional self.

It is in women choosing to define their Self that change will begin. Women must be willing to know what they want to experience and be willing to create that very experience. Women will need to help each other develop that confidence and inner knowing of who they are in order to initiate change in the cultural view of what they are. It is then that women will be known and loved for who they are from the inside out.

I am SO VERY UPSET!! We realized, in choosing a picture to represent this article that we could choose a horrific picture of an anorexic women or a media-based picture of a woman. I wanted this beautiful woman:

But the people of our culture have been programmed to KNOW the media’s view of women or be captured by hideous horror. It is the only view that will capture the attention of the public! So, even in my office, we chose a picture that would catch the public’s eye. How awful is this situation?! Please let me know your thoughts!

I write this for the family, friends, and others who suffer as a result of the Oklahoma tornado, the latest tragedy. May you all find a way to heal from the loss, the trauma, and the suffering. May you find life and know that all those who crossed over as a result of this tragedy are in a warm, accepting new beginning. They are not suffering. It is those of you left behind who feel the suffering and the pain of the loss and the tragedy. I feel the agony of the helplessness even from afar.

As I sat at dinner last night seeing my first bit of news, I was emotionally devastated by the suffering and loss of the people of Oklahoma. Another tragedy! I couldn’t believe it. Everyone in the restaurant was talking with one another: strangers, friends, family, all one. None of us could grasp the meaning of all this tragedy. We all hurt for the victims. People were questioning the meaning of life, questioning purpose. Slowly, the conversations shifted from the pain of the victims, and the victims’ family and friends to their own fears. Then people were no longer talking as a whole but had split into their own groups again. Most talking about the fear of the natural disasters being on the increase and wondering how bad hurricane season will be this year.

What could possibly be the silver lining in such a dark series of natural (and not so natural) disasters!? We all unite, at least initially. It is at the core of us all to unite to help. To stand as one when something has gone against us. Maybe we are being asked to stand as one always. To not allow our fear to fragment us yet again.

Donations may be made online at www.unitedwayokc.org or by mail to: United Way of Central Oklahoma, P.O. Box 837, Oklahoma City, OK 73101 with notation for May Tornado Relief.

Anxiety!! What can I do to make it stop and go away! Anxiety feels like a helpless state of suffering but there are things a person can do to heal and transcend the suffering. This article will give a feel for what can be done. It is not meant to be an exhaustive list or suggestive. It is meant to open the possibilities of treatment and healing of the suffering of anxiety. The article will look at western medicine, and then will focus on self help, therapy, and all other medicines.

Welcome to Part 2 of this series on anxiety where we will look at causes of anxiety. Part 1 described anxiety and gave a simple description or feel of anxiety. If you missed the beginning of this series, you can find it by clicking here: PART ONE. This article will address how anxiety may be caused by environmental factors, medical factors, substance abuse, or a combination of these. Although it has been suggested there may be a genetic component in anxiety, this article will talk of environmental factors that may be more influential. Finally, the article will address that while anxiety is a response to outside forces and can be amplified with “negative self-talk” or a belief in the worry, rarely can an immediate trigger to anxiety be identified.

What is anxiety? In this time of economic strain and significant transition , people are having their fears illuminated. At what point do those fears become anxiety? How does someone interrupt/stop the anxiety when it is happening? What causes anxiety to become more of a steady state beyond an emotional reaction? What triggers a feeling of anxiety versus an anxiety attack? Does someone have to live the rest of their life on medication to “manage” anxiety or can you heal from it? All of these questions will be addressed in this article. The series will be divided into three parts: what is anxiety; what causes it; what are the techniques that prevent or interrupt the anxiety and the treatments to heal.

Anxiety is described as the fear of fear. It tends to be vague. As an emotion, we have all experienced it. You are getting ready to go out for the evening and all of a sudden you get this odd, gently disturbing fluttering in your gut or tingling of your skin. You wonder from where the feeling is coming but then keep going and don’t think any more about it as it drifts away and you continue to dress and go to your event. Anxiety can become more consistent for some. That consistency may take the form of a person experiencing anxiety periodically for a limited amount of time or consistently always increasing and decreasing in intensity. There is a significant difference between the experience that everyone has of a brief, intermittent feeling of anxiety or angst and someone who lives with chronic anxiety that can become debilitating.

I am deeply pained the devastation of yesterday’s tragedy. (and yet not as much death as the CT massacre) I ache with the thought that we will all think this is a time to get angry. It is that very anger (mixed with violence) that created this nightmare. When do we begin to see that we must heal our anger! We must move beyond our hate for differences! When do we as People who are observing the suffering become the healers!! As we give into the anger we join the side of aggression. We must deal with those who are not of society while AT THE SAME TIME begin the CURE! We must not continue to support anger and violence. We must learn to believe in this life and unite in love and harmony. That begins one individual at a time and that individual is each of us! Please!

As we focus on our love, we are focusing on the victims and all those around the world who were affected by this tragedy.  For those who choose to focus on their anger and on the criminal, they skip over the victims and their loved ones and join the criminals on their ground of hate.  We cannot heal our people when we are leaving them behind to fight with, hate, and be angry at the bombers. The criminal’s sickness we cannot heal at this time.  The emotional and physical wounds we can heal.

As we focus on the healing of all those affected by this tragedy (and others) we  begin an energy of unity and peace on this earth.  While we are doing that we have begun the “cure” of the violence.  Then we can look at our society and family structure to see what we need to do to create greater unity in this country.

Let’s all do our part to heal the violence and rage that haunts our planet at this time.

Thank you for your time and interest in life!

In response to: Why is Addiction Still Considered a Personal Weakness?

I have been successfully working with addicts for over 25 years. They certainly do NOT have a choice, nor is it a weakness. I will add that the same is true in ANY abusive/dependent relationship. An individual who finds their Self in an abusive relationship did not choose to be there nor is it weakness that keeps them there. It is fear. Abuse is abuse is abuse.

The pattern remains the same. It is a pattern that is introduced early in life either by the alcoholic, addict, or abuser. The pattern is not being addressed by this country. So, it is increasing exponentially rather than subsiding. The addict adds to that the influence of genetics! I have yet to meet an addict who said, “Yes, Kristen, I awakened to my dream to be an addict!!” Not even in the midst of a high do they say that. This is clearly an illness, biological AND social! While it may seem to many as antithetical, the healing of the addiction brings forth the most magikal people I have met in this lifetime. We all must be careful of our judgments. It does not allow us to see the person beyond the pain and suffering.

“We judge only in the way we are fearful of being judged.”

Because women are now cheating as much as men, we have been looking at some of the reasons why that may be occurring.  Regardless of why, cheating is a devastating experience for the one betrayed and often for the one who is unfaithful and possibly, for others. I will talk in generals here but please know that each individual has his or her own reaction to each and every event in his or her life.  Clearly a woman feels the betrayal and more when a man cheats on her in a relationship.  Although a man may also feel the betrayal, beyond that he tends to have different reactions when a woman cheats on him in a relationship.  Why? (Again with the why???)  There can be obvious differences in the motivations that drive women and men. So, in this series, I have addressed some of the differences in what drives a woman to be unfaithful?

To understand the why of the affair does NOT condone the behavior. It does, however, promote the opportunity to heal from the wounds that may be underlying the behavior. To judge the behavior and not ask why is to further shame a person who is needing to be heard in some way. What if the affair behavior is coming from a deep wound? Is it the same behavior as someone who is angry and lashing out at their significant other? No. While there are a myriad of possible answers to the why, this article will address the subordinate position of the woman in a patriarchal society, residual anger, and perceived lack of power. I welcome any and all of your thoughts.

As I mentioned, over the ages, women have been shamed, demeaned, and destroyed. They were shamed for speaking their mind and for even having their own thoughts, wants, needs or ideas! They have continued to be kept or portrayed in a subordinate position. Girls continue to be socialized around the “look pretty, be dependent” message, e.g., broadcast media and Hollywood. Even if a woman is a heroine in a film she is sexually presented. Women appear to feel, and identify with, the subtle (and not so subtle) oppression. With that comes a deep need to free her Self from the internal bondage she feels from society and it’s judgment. This is a patriarchal society. Women as a whole are growing into strong leadership positions. Yet still feel the impact of the social limitations. It isn’t “cool” to be a strong, intelligent woman in a business suit. It is cool to be a strong, intelligent woman in a short skirt and high heels! Unfortunately, more often than not, others will notice ONLY her attire in an unspoken need to sexualize her. So, at some level is it possible that women are “trying” to master this feeling of being a sexual object by standing in the oppressors’ shoes and sexualizing men as objects?

Another possible hidden (or not so hidden) expression is that of anger — anger at men for various reasons OR anger at themselves for not being “strong enough” to withstand manipulations/controls by society and/or men. There are quite a few perceived double binds for women in society and in business. One is that she cannot be aggressive and go against that which is going against her and yet she cannot be passive and accepting of the aggression. There is so much more I could address in this area but not in this blog. It is this anger, which women are not encouraged to express, that can be a part of their using men for sexual satisfaction or cheating on their partners.

While a woman may be fighting to attain a position of power through her sexual encounters, she rarely leaves those situations/experiences with a feeling of empowerment but rather defeat, guilt, or shame. A woman’s body must open to receive. Each time she receives sexually from an encounter that is not loving she feels the impression. Therefore, If the current relationship is not fulfilling and she finds herself being attended to or honored by another, she is more likely to open herself to the Other. In general, it is important for a woman to feel emotional and physical acceptance in order to stay connected in her romantic relationship.Without that connection she is left sexually vulnerable and tends to pull back thereby leaving her in need. In other words, the more open and safe a woman feels the more likely she is to feel sexual because of the way women are socialized as well as the female energy by which they are dominated.

Given these changing times for women and society, it is a sad but real trend that women are more apt to have affairs. The three possible answers to why are far from comprehensive. I would love to hear any of your thoughts. If you have been tempted or acted upon the temptation to cheat — why?

Women are now cheating on their relationships as much as men. Is there a difference in the cheating? I would like to address this question over the next week. So, lets begin with a basis of an understanding. The differences in men and women are to be honored. It is in the differences that the unity can occur in life. And yet, women do things that mimic men and men do things to meet women’s expectations. In both cases, the one is identifying their Self through the Other. Today, let’s just look at the differences.

For all of time people have divided the world and life into the feminine and masculine. The division was based upon the energy and qualities of the source. Female energy is the receiving energy and, consequently, the passive. Male energy is the going-toward energy and, consequently, the aggressive. For example, in baseball, the pitcher symbolizes the male energy (ball is going toward, aggressive) and the catcher is the female energy (ball is received, passive). We all have both aspects but tend to be dominated by one. Let me go one step further, male energy is linear or solution oriented and female is circular or process oriented. We then socialize our men to be ultra masculine (beyond the male-energy traits) and women to be ultra “sexualized” (sometimes in absence of her female-energy).

Historically, women were held in honor and in a position of power because they were the creators of life. Throughout time, the honoring of the woman’s body has remained even when the honoring of the woman has not. In recent ages, this has been failing significantly. The trend appears to have become women not feeling honored but, instead, shamefully not good enough by “social” standards. Most recently, it appears the younger women are not knowing how to honor their position as women and their bodies as a woman’s body. The young women today are showing greater aggression, sexual expression without definition, and androgyny. Feminine has come to mean weak.

In life, if someone is “gone against” in some way, they will attempt to master their vulnerable position by “re-enacting” similar situations throughout life but playing the role of the Other who went against them. A potent example of this is a response when a woman is raped. She may respond in a variety of ways but two very common responses are to shut down sexually or to become “promiscuous” (which really is not promiscuity at all). What she is doing in the former is attempting to master the rape by feeling her Self in the forceful position of NO where the Other cannot go against her. In the latter position, she is attempting to master the violence by being in the forceful demanding position sexually and picking up anonymous Others for the sole purpose of sex. Unfortunately in both extremes, the woman leaves the situation re-experiencing the shame and violation from the original criminal event. And so, the emotional pattern begins again.

So, back to the question of affairs. I believe there is more to women having affairs than the simplicity of affairs that men are capable of experiencing. Women, in some cases, appear to be attempting to master something that has gone against their integrity in this life or lineage. As a whole, women may be responding to inherent feelings of oppression from this global patriarchal structure — a more subconscious reaction. There may also be hidden anger that they are not aware is being expressed through the action of the affair. Furthermore, a woman’s body adds a very significant difference to the equation because they are meant to receive. Consequently, sexually, women must open their body to receive into it. I will be addressing these differences and the possible meanings to women in the upcoming blog entries. I look forward to your feedback!!