Let’s not kid ourselves. Being in quarantine is difficult. You feel stressed, shackled, unsure, anxious, bored, confused, lost. The list goes on. One of the other things you’ve probably experienced is a sense of lack. Lack of freedom. Lack of security. Lack of resources. Lack. Lack. Lack. For a while there you couldn’t turn on the news or read social media, without seeing images of empty grocery store shelves. For those who have bothered to venture out, you may have endured long shopping lines. Sure, in many places the situation is improving. You can find toilet paper, hand sanitizer, and antibacterial wipes. But no matter how full the store shelves are, there may still be a part of you that’s impacted by the lack you witnessed. Good news is, in time, you’ll probably forget about these scarce supplies because the physical environment around you will have improved.

How do you make sense of the loss of your child? How do you find closure? Is it okay to stop grieving?

It seems so many children are passing over. In my small world I know of 5 who have crossed to the other side in the past few months! You never know why they left as early as they did. They may have died at 5, 15, or 25 but they are your children and they are no longer here.

Most of you would agree that the one who passes crosses over to a place — and experience — of peace and freedom. They are okay. It is you, the parents, siblings, relatives, and friends, who suffer. Consequently, the suffering that you may feel comes from your own feelings of loss, abandonment, and whatever is happening inside you. It does not come from the child and where they are. Therefore, the closure must come from within you!

Many things make this time difficult for those left behind. So often you hear people say, “They (parents) will NEVER get over this!” That undercurrent sets a stage for a lack of healing and a continuation of suffering. Parents need to heal! They are here to have a life. Furthermore, their healing can further free the child on the other side. So, how might that happen?

The first thing a person who has suffered a traumatic loss needs to do is ask her- or himself what they believe about death. Do you believe the soul continues? Then what do you believe its purpose is? What do you believe happens? At the time of a death, you may doubt your beliefs. So, it is important to re-establish what they are and what they were.

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“We judge ONLY in the way we are fearful of being judged.” Kristen Bomas

PREJUDICE — a part of us all — some conscious and some not conscious – all destructive of those we judge – black magic – painful and imprisoning to the targeted people – keeping fear alive in the prejudiced person – goes against free will – absent of compassion, acceptance, love – debilitating…

Prejudice showed on my Facebook pages this month. Likes and number of people reached dropped noticeably. Some posts getting 0 likes or less than 30 reaches. I was saddened. Black faces, prominent black faces, were in almost all of those posts in an effort to honor Black History Month. Slaves — they went unnoticed, judged as unworthy except as labor. We each have trauma somewhere in our history and know that it flows onward. Time does not heal trauma. It takes an active participatory involvement to heal trauma. When it is a culture that exists within the American people it is our responsibility to actively participate in the healing of each of our subcultures: Black, GLBT, Latin, Asian, Israeli, MidEastern and more.

Imagine that each culture in this country is like an organ in your body. If an organ is faltering it takes time for it to heal. If an organ is attacked with a cancer it takes more than just you to heal that organ. All other organs in your body are affected by the organ that is cancerous. Your body is out of balance. You are not able to function as completely as you were when all organs were strong and healthy. If you do not treat that organ it will die and you may too. To treat the organ it will take more than just you because the attack to the organ is bigger than that which you can handle on your own. This is a metaphor to the cultures (organs) of our American People (body).

We are as inherently trained to be prejudiced of the Black people as they are to be prejudiced against. They are people. It is time that we, as a Nation, work to radically eradicate the history and patterns that are so inherent in the Black culture that they cannot heal on their own. We would be a stronger nation for it. We would be a happier people for it.

I wish for you all to take but a minute and move beyond your judgments or our Black culture and ask, “What would this country be like if our Black culture was solidly integrated and active in the American lifestyle?”

Next week in Part 2 I will be discussing what people can do to move beyond their prejudice.

Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. How often did you hear that in your life? How often have you said it quietly to yourself or out loud to others? Have you ever stopped to think about the depth of meaning in that wisdom? Let’s address the meaning and significance of this wisdom.

I previously wrote about passing it forward. If you read that, you know that the intention behind what we say, do, and give is critical!! It’s also critical how we receive. Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. That’s telling you that everything you do, say, think, or project (in anyway) is to be in the name of how you would like to experience it. That’s a very very steep challenge. And yet, you are all capable of achieving it: one baby step at a time. The challenge begins with an understanding of the cycle of doing unto others in the way you wish for them to do unto you! I will then address three areas of mastering the wisdom of doing unto others. Each is a bit deeper than the previous. I will address awareness as it relates to the behaviors and words spoken. Then I will move inside to the thoughts you may have so you can gain an awareness of your thoughts. Finally, I will address intention – the most internal piece of expressing onto others!

Do unto others is also about how you receive. Receiving is doing unto others. Have you ever attempted to give a gift and the person literally rejects it? Or, have you ever given a gift that someone is not comfortable receiving? And what is it like when you give a gift that is received gratefully and open heartedly? The circle in life says what we pass forward will always come back! We will always do unto others as we would have them do unto us. Whatever we do, in any way, shape, and form, we are passing that forward. Even if it’s only an intention. For example, I buy somebody a gift to make them feel guilty. That is not a very nice gift. The intention behind it is hurtful. Guilt is hurtful. So that is passed forward. And it comes back one day so that you have given in the way you want to receive. You have done unto others as you would have them do unto you??

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Life is defined by the relationships. Your relationships with your Self, partner, friends, family, colleagues, strangers, animals, plants, Mother Earth, Father Sky, Spirit, God, etc. define your life. How you communicate in those relationships defines the relationships that define your life. As this new year begins, I offer you all the opportunity to look at your relationship with all that and who are in your life in any capacity. Where you have joy and fulfillment within you as a result of the relationship, prosper that relationship! Usually, however, relationships go through various changes and challenges and have various meanings in your life. Today, I want to address those relationships that you, for one reason or another, distanced your Self from in 2015.

Every person on this earth has their own life purpose and path. Each person has free will. The free will is what allows everyone the unique opportunity to find joy, acceptance, and love in this life or suffer with hurt, abandonment, and fear. In your relationships, you may get frustrated or hurt by another’s choices, behaviors, or absence. Many of you will retract back from the relationship with thoughts that, inadvertently, propagate the hurt from the other’s actions. You will judge their behaviors or choices as against you and, therefore, unworthy of a relationship with you. But, what if, that other was coming from a very different place than what you expected, assumed or felt? Did you, for the love of your Self, take the time to ask them?

Often times, in your closest friendships and in your partnerships, your greatest challenges are presented. That is by design. You are here with a purpose. That purpose is to heal the suffering and to open your Self to the truth of what and who you are. So, your best friends, partners, and family will be those souls in your life who are here to help you achieve your greater purpose in this life. Where, in your closest relationships, you may feel deep betrayal or hurt, it is an opportunity to ask why it is in your life and to heal the wound. If you choose (and you may) to walk away from the relationship or distance your Self from the other, you have inadvertently chosen to push aside life’s gift. The gift is the healing of the suffering that is within you. The healing is given the opportunity to occur in and as a result of the relationship. For example that same person who frustrated, hurt, shamed or betrayed you may create the exact same experience with another but that other may not have the same emotional reaction/s. This is because your history is what allows those fear-based emotions to be tied to that particular experience with the other.

So, in this new year and new beginning, ask your Self if there is a relationship in your life that needs to be healed. It may be a relationship that truly needed a new beginning because of whatever lead to the dissolution or distancing. There is a reason why the relationship suffered. It offers each of you the opportunity to ask what lead up to this event. What part of your experience in the relationship was not being fulfilled prior to the upset? Were you speaking your needs clearly? Were you letting the other know when the smaller “things” hurt or bothered you? Did you let your Self be known to the other in terms of how you define that type of relationship and the experience you wished to have with them?

I ask each and every one of you to look at all past and present relationships and ask your Self which ones you have created a gentle distance, a significant distance, or dissolution. Then I challenge each of you to address that/those relationships this year. What will it take to feel a mending of your wounds? I challenge you to find the strength and courage to face the other with your needs and emotional reactions. You are not addressing them to get them to change but to speak on your own behalf and begin your healing. Create a new beginning for your Self.

I wish each of you a wonderful, love-filled experience with your Self as you venture forth and address at least one relationship that needs mending. Feel free to use AskKristen on my website or send me an email, if you would like more specific support to your unique challenging relationship in life.

Be inspired and inspire the world with your resolutions! It is all too common at this time of year for people not to make resolutions but for those who do, oftentimes, those resolutions are simple ones. What are your resolutions like? Have you ever simply wondered, without judgment, why you don’t fulfill the resolutions you make? Has it dawned on you to expand your resolutions to match some of your higher ideals and dreams for this lifetime? In blogs past, I have spoken about resolutions and ways to state them and implement them so that they are successful. I have also spoken about making a resolution that helps you understand what blocks you from fulfilling your resolutions. But this year I’d like to talk about creating a grander resolution. One that fulfills, or at least begins to fulfill, some of your higher dreams for this earth and for this life.

We are all one. So the turmoil, aggression, anger, and fear that resides on this earth at this time is something that also resides in each and every one of us from the teeniest amount to the largest amount. Each of us experiences these emotions. Each of us has a deeper desire to live beyond these emotions. Most of you dream to find greater happiness, joy, love, and acceptance. If that is a dream of yours, it may be the time to also see it as a dream for the Earth. As each and every one of our days becomes filled with love and love-based emotions around us in the people, the environment, and the earth, then we find that the love within our hearts becomes much more expansive. It also happens in reverse. As The love in our hearts, as well as love for our Selves, grows we expand our love and affect the people, the environment, and the earth.

If you put this all together, what I am proposing is as your resolutions reflect your dreams for love, acceptance, and happiness in your life imagine that it is also a dream in most people’s lives. So in your resolutions what is one thing you can do to offer love to this earth and its people? What is one thing you can do to bring peace upon earth?

What if each and every one of us makes a resolution that this year, each day, we will awaken grateful for the freedom and compassion we can find within? And then, what if, each and every one of us takes that compassion into our days doing one kind act each day. How easy would it be to be grateful for our day if we pass forward one kind act a day? One person at a time we begin to change the earth!

I wish you all a year of abundant love, peace, joy, and health. May you all work as one to bring that to yourself and everyone around you. Happy New Year!!

Once there is a split in the parent’s relationship, the world of the child has been severely disrupted and usually feels destroyed. This is a time to create and maintain consistency. It is critical to the healing of your child during this time. So, at the holidays, it is a good idea to address what part of the holiday traditions and rituals are a match to your child and which can be changed. It can be tremendously healing to create a new tradition with new rituals or with old rituals to offer you and your child the opportunity to embrace this new beginning in your lives.

Create your new tradition with your child. Ask what she would like to change or keep. If there had not been a clear tradition prior, then create a tradition with your child. The process of creating a tradition with your child offers him a sense of involvement and importance. It allows him to value the tradition and rituals that you choose to change or create.

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Now that you are aware of how to create an atmosphere that is friendly and accepting where the loving emotions are prevalent and the gifts are given lovingly and you are communicating, you have the ingredients to create the experience you and your child wish to have during the holiday. What is the experience your child wishes to have? What is the experience you wish to have?

Begin by asking your Self and your child what the ideal holiday would be like. Take notes on what each of you wishes to experience and then as a team, develop an experience that includes each of your dreams. You can find that there is no part of the desired experiences that needs to go unfulfilled. It will take patience and creativity. For example, if your child wants you and your ex-partner to be together, show understanding of that wish. Talk with your child about how he would feel if the family was to be together during the holiday. Take note on the way the child would feel. Ask what the pros and cons of previous holidays were when the family was together. Then help the child to develop an experience that embraces the feeling she is wishing to have during the holiday and help her see she can have the joyousness she is wishing for even if the one family is now two!

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At a time when things can feel broken, it becomes important to find acceptance. But how do you create an environment of acceptance? Begin by finding that place in your Self that feels so accepting of your child. Hold that feeling and see if you can feel it for your Self. Now see if you can feel it for your ex-partner (you may need to remember when you first met!!) Your acceptance of your child allows you to listen to their difference in perception and feeling. It is important to allow an acceptance of the difference of perception and feelings in your Self and your ex-partner as well. During the holidays, especially for divorced family and divided homes, a child is going to have their own internal experiences.

It is critical to avoid warring with your ex-partner at this time. The fragmentation keeps the child externally focused on each parent in order to prevent the plunge into that dangerous territory of destruction (warring, arguing, hate/dislike). Further, the anger and stress that is being felt by estranged partners is felt or intuited by the child and impacts her or his emotions and stress level. A child will take a lot of the fear-based emotions personally. That occurs at many levels but an important piece to understand is that the child will personalize the absence of acceptance between his or her 2 parents. A child will do this in order to keep her or his parents good and omnipotent. A child who has good parents is a safe child. That means that if a child hears the discord he or she feels an absence of safety and then must turn it into a definition of safety. Obviously, that is not a real sense of safety for the child and the child ultimately knows this and is built upon the absence of true safety.

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How do you make a magikal holiday for your children even though, as parents, you are living separate?

The holiday season can be a challenge for the parents as well as the child when there is divorce or separation in the family. There are several things to consider and/or understand when desiring the best for your children’s and your holiday season. In brief, the child may experience such upsetting emotions as guilt and worry, anger and isolation. If those emotions are not addressed through communication and structure during the holidays, the child continues to grow with those internal experiences and skewed memories.

As parents, your communication with your ex-partner and your child are critical to the happiness and joy of the season. As a parent you too may be experiencing some painful emotions over the experience. It is important that you know how to share your pain with other adults so that you can be happy and proactive in the creation of the holiday season celebrations.

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