“You don’t remember because you don’t care!!” “I know exactly how she is going to respond if I ask her that!” “That’s not what you meant! And you know that!”

Those statements and any like them are assumptions. Assumptions breakdown communication and relationships insidiously! How would it feel to not be invited to an event because the other person assumed you wouldn’t want to go and, so, didn’t even extend the invite? Another breakdown this time having significant affect on emotions. I could give numerous examples all would show the quiet, sometimes unknown destruction of the relationship every time an assumption is made and quietly believed.

Step 1: BECOME AWARE OF ASSUMPTIONS
It is critical to become aware of your assumptions. They can quietly slip into your thinking unnoticed! They can be so sneaky as to have you skip over a thought or request because your assumption says it isn’t going to happen or isn’t necessary or will be upsetting or whatever! The more you actively learn to be aware of where you are assuming, the more affective you can be in your communication.

Step 2: ASK A QUESTION FROM THE ASSUMPTION
Once you hear an assumption inside of you, e.g., “she won’t like it,” make that thought into a question to the other person. Using the example, you would ask, “would you like to ….” Then you listen to the answer! Your assumption may have been correct but by asking the other to answer the question you are opening them to their Self and to you. That makes for a much healthier communication!! Furthermore, you never know what the other may say or do following the answer! If they continue reflecting, you have received a great opportunity to learn about the other!

Step 3: ACCEPT THE OTHER AS THEY WISH TO BE KNOWN
Let the words spoken by another be their truth. Then you can hold them to their word. If you are assuming their meaning they do not have to take responsibility for that. Therefore, they are not responsible for their communication because it is not what they said. If you find yourself wanting to go against what the other just said about their Self, ask them the question that your assumptions are screaming inside.

Enjoy these 3 simple steps to a better communication! Happiness comes from freedom in your relationships with self and others. That freedom must begin with the communication!

What was Ann Coulter thinking when she mocked the hashtag effort for awareness of the Nigerian girls who were kidnapped for sale as prostitutes and slaves? Why would a “female” public figure go against a public effort to raise awareness of such a catastrophic event that dishonors women and children?!

Have we found new ways to not accept world responsibility? I remember the Viet Nam war. The veterans. The people. Americans bought into the hideous idea that the veterans were killers! It was that horrid hate that our veterans returned “home” to. In that case, we as a people followed our leaders right into the destruction of our warriors – the very men and women who put their lives on the line to give us that very freedom. They did what they were told and the people followed what they were told! No thought of the affect.

The public is a powerful branding and movement tool. To see the support that is offered by the people for the young women/children is the key to this effort! It lets the world know that as people we stand strong against these behaviors and values! In our own country, we have teens who are kidnaped or bought into prostitution as runaways. In our own South-Florida backyard, we have Covenant House that does its best to rescue, protect and house those young lives.

Furthermore, what are we thinking when, as leaders of the American people, they are condemning and mocking the voice of the people??? I am truly lost at the purpose of this outrageous attack on people around the world uniting in their emotional support of an effort to protect these young women. Is it selfish intent? I do not know. What stops these men and women from seeing the effort as a positive an powerful display to be used toward a common goal?? Why would we need to see this as a negative?

Let’s go back to the power and honor of women. We as people and, in particular, as women, need to unite to increase an awareness and consequential movement toward honoring women! This kidnaping is a world statement of Nigeria’s views and valuing of women! Furthermore, it feeds the same views and values where they exist in the world. The Twitter community (and, in general, the internet community) has stood up to say “NO!” and to further support the need to honor life, women, and children. There must be a powerful uniting of people to open awareness to this misuse and devaluing as well as to the further destruction of women and their graceful power in other areas of the world.

I leave you with theses thoughts: If you have or had a daughter, how would you like her to be valued and honored? If you are a daughter, how would you like to see the world support unfold?

Shame! Public Shame! It has driven many to suicide. Yet, not too many know the pain of it like Monica Lewinsky. Tomorrow her story breaks through Vanity Fair. I hope we will all read it to understand what the media, the internet, and gossip can do to destroy a life. None of us would want our mistakes to be made a public laughing stock.

Every person knows shame. When you feel the ick inside it feels intolerable. You can’t imagine anyone accepting that part of you. You try to keep it inside, secret. You fear severe rejection as a result of the shame and then the loneliness is felt. For many, it is a wave of loneliness in which you feel you are drowning. It is in this lonely emotional place that the suicidal thoughts become eminent and the possibility of suicide can become a probability. Why would you ever wish that experience on another human being? If someone has made a poor decision, they are already experiencing and living with the shame. To make it public is an atrocity that is murderous. Many of our students, athletes, entertainers, and more have had to endure, or have not been able to endure, the public shaming of their indiscretions.

It is a formula or blend of the media, the internet, and the people. The American public seems to have found themselves entertained by others’ suffering and so the media feeds off of that interest. Why? Because people “Judge the way they are fearful of being judged”. That means that because a person fears the shame within their Self they judge the other person for their shameful behaviors. Suffering begets suffering. The more people suffer, the more they live in fear. The more people live in fear, the more they follow. The more they follow, the more they do not think on their own. The media figured this out a long time ago. Now, we have exponentially exploded this with the internet.

I ask all my readers to think twice before ever engaging in the gossip that it takes to propagate the public shaming. Think, inside your Self, that each time you share the shame of another you have harmed another person, whether indirectly or directly. Gossip destroys others. As you read the stories of others’ sufferings, ask your Self what you would need if this happened to you. May you all move one step closer to happiness by clearing your thoughts of others that are destructive or negative.

Why do you watch the news? Why? To be informed… Wherever you are sitting at this moment, turn off any TV or radios that may be on. Ask your Self, “How does everything I gather from the news affect me at this moment?” Is your mind going to: “Well it allows me to stay safe; or it allows me to know what is going on in our government; or it tells me about the strife in Venezuela…” Stay right here in this moment. How does it affect you right now!? The people who are in the tragedy are not in your experience. How is it affecting your minute, your now?

Lets move away from that and look at something else. Some of what happens are important facts. We are a free country and are able to vote, so some of what we could gather could be factual information. Then, when we do need to make a choice, it is in our best interest. But that is not what we gather from the news. The news preys upon the fear. They have researched the tone of the news to be sure it catches your fight or flight response and, consequently, your attention. So lets back away. The issue isn’t factual information because we all know we can gather our facts from reliable sources via the internet, readings, etc. The news we watch, or the biased newspaper we read, are a gathering of opinions! So how does all of that affect your moment right now!? If you are sitting in a park and looking out over trees and a pond, how does it affect that experience? If you are sharing a beautiful evening with the one you love, how does it affect that experience? If we take those beautiful experiences and we find ourselves talking about the news, have we lost the moment?

In conclusion, I hope you all think twice before allowing your Self to be seduced into the fear-based news shows and newspapers. They are not always factual. They eliminate those blocks of time from you experiencing your life. Be sure of the truth of why you watch the news. The news and media can sensationalize, so it important to do your own research. What are you truly gaining from the information? Does it truly better your life? Take one week. Turn off any news media and gather your information from factual sources. Watch how you start to see more roses on your path of life!

Are you (or your children) tired of watching the beginning of your dating relationships turn into the same old relationships of the past? Learn why and what can be done!

At the beginning of a relationship, most people are close to their truth. They are open, playful, without expectation. Oftentimes, as the relationship starts to develop, people get worried about loss.

It may not be a conscious thought. It may just be a background feeling. Simply put, it is that fear (conscious or not) that alters the freedom of expression in the relationship.

What does “close to your truth mean”? Your truth, as I refer to it, is that part of you that is in absence of any fear-based feelings or thoughts. It is that part with which you entered this life, uninfluenced by others’ teachings, opinions, and judgments. It is that part of you that shines like the sun behind dark stormy clouds!

Each of you has a different set of challenges that define this life. They make up the dark stormy clouds that cover the truth of who you are. In life, we are constantly gifted with events that illuminate those challenges. This is to help us expand and grow and is not intended to destroy. It is your free will that allows you to choose to heal, ignore or blame when the challenge presents. If you do not choose to heal, the challenge tends to present over and over in your life until you address it. Your relationships are that fertile ground for the challenges to thrive or propagate!

While dating, each of you can meet several people at once, all of whom are good eligible partners! Ultimately, you will only pursue one of them! Why? This is where the clouds are subconsciously influencing the choice! You may be open and free in your original meetings with all of the people (your truth) but when you begin narrowing down your choice your clouds have a strong say so in the final decision. Ugh! This is because of the use of judgment, perceptions, and assumptions in the narrowing process!

So, the more you look at the patterns in the relationships or the characteristics in the person that appear over and over, the more you begin to develop an awareness of those challenges that most need to heal in your life. This then offers you the opportunity to empty a dark cloud and open to your light or truth!! The more you stand in your truth the greater the probability that you will meet that partner who matches you “truthfully”!

For those of you interested in life mastery, here’s a thought:
That point at which you “allow” the fear (challenge) to enter the relationship through you is the moment you create the initial separation and consequential feeling of loss. The unity you were experiencing that was so joyful has been interrupted. That break from the unity is reminiscent of your first fear when you entered this lifetime.

Have you ever felt so defensive that your heart was pounding, or you felt you had no choice in the matter, or you felt you were waiting for someone else to make a decision that was going to affect you and your life, or….? Learn how to remain in your power regardless of what is happening around you!

You have a beautiful, strong, graceful power within you that is part of your truth! We all do! Many times in life you may feel powerless and small. In order to not slip away from that powerful graceful You, you must know what challenges get illuminated when the power temporarily leaves or hides. You also want to understand that it is a force that takes you away from that truth of your own power. In this blog, I will address just that.

Someone or something that “goes against” you or your rights is a force. It is coming from a place of ego or prideful will. It is a fear-based effort. For example, if I tell you that you have to go to work at 8 AM even though you own your own business, I am forcing you to do it my way because my ego says I know best because I am fearful of you not doing good enough! You then feel the energy of my core feeling of not being good enough and feel your power slip and your confidence may eventually slip. If, however, you are aware of your Self and your power, your response to my ridiculous effort to control my own emotional chaos would be, “ Are you fearful or untrusting about my work? Tell me what is happening within you that makes you push me out the door before I would normally leave?” Most people would get defensive and then make assumptions about my comment that would lead them farther from their power.

Knowing that all people have a fear-based set of emotions that dictate their challenges in this life and a set of love-based emotions that define their truth, helps you to begin the process of letting their words be theirs. When you listen intently to the content of the other’s words in absence of this awareness, you are following their thoughts, worries, opinions, etc. By following another you are leaving your Self and truth behind. It is at this point that you leave your Self open to losing connection with your power.

As you go through this week see if you can watch others speak and see when they are speaking from their fear-based “stuff” and when they are speaking from their love-based truth!

I will address different aspects of feeling powerless in future blog writings. Enjoy this start!!

Welcome to the new 30-Day challenge. This month is about how communication begins with you.

Week 1

How We Were Taught

Were you taught to communicate to please? See how you were taught to communicate with these four quick questions! Using a scale of 1 through 7 (where 1 is not at all, 4 is neutral and 7 is always) please rate the following questions.

• In my school years, it was important to me to have good grades and behaviors because I knew they were going to be addressed by my parents as either good enough or not acceptable.

• While living at home I had thoughts like “why can’t they see who I am? Or why do they see me like that? Or that’s not what I was thinking!”

• While living at home, I had fears of telling my parents about what was going on in my life because I was afraid they would either get angry at me or certainly not understand!

• I tend to watch the person across from me as I am speaking or responding to be sure they are comfortable with my communication.

A score of 4 through 11 means:
You may have been influenced to be aware of who you are and felt accepted in that. You tend to communicate openly regarding your interests, needs, and feelings. You are probably looking to gain even greater freedom in your style of sharing your self. Great for you!

A score of 12 through 21 means:
You were influenced away from who you are in truth and you bought into some of what they were telling you about who you are and who you needed to be. Yet, there appears to be a strength that kept you aware of your unique qualities and characteristics. You found people and places to express your Self and receive good response. You may have learned to communicate by reading others at some level. You may tend to follow rules and make sure you are doing and saying the right thing. You may get angry when defensive or when you feel misunderstood or embarrassed. You may feel resistance to being told what to do. You find your Self trying to be understood but falling short with those whose needs you cannot meet. You are ready to learn a new way!

A score of 22 through 28 means:
You struggled with how to communicate who you are to others. You learned to be fearful of the You struggled with how to communicate who you are to others. You learned to be fearful of the judgments and criticisms and the comments that may occur if you were different from anyone else around you. You may have had to fight hard to be accepted and to be pleasing. Your communication may be focused on pleasing others rather than expressing yourself. It’s time to give your Self an introduction to others!!

Create What You Desire

“We judge only in the way we are fearful of being judged.”© That goes so much further than the surface projections! While it is clearly about the judgments we make in our language and our thoughts of others and of Self, it also teaches us that we create, over and over, the very things we fear. How do we interrupt that frustrating pattern so that we do not recreate what we no longer desire? Better yet, how do we create the things we desire?

Sometimes, we actually create around us the very challenge beyond which we think we are trying to move. For example, somewhere in your life, you may have bought into thinking you are not good enough. So, maybe you think your dream can’t be your reality because you are not good enough. Yet you live your life as if you are going after that dream, as if you believe in your Self and, at some level, you do. And yet, one day you stop, look around and realize that the headquarters from where you are trying to create that dream is laden with the parts of the nightmare that keep you from ever believing your dream will come true. You may have people around you who judge you as not good enough, your own thoughts may have hidden doubts and/or judgments, you may be missing a key item that is required to move you forward in the dream, or more.

How do we break that pattern? First, RECOGNIZE IT! You must first be able to see what it is you are creating in the people with whom you surround your Self. You must also recognize those experiences and things with which you surround your Self. Then you must ask what each REMINDS you of in terms of your history and the people in it. It is at that point that you can begin to correct and let go of the pieces that are keeping you pinned to old patterns. Can you feel what people or things you are hesitant to release or change? It is important to identify the hesitation so that you can move through it. Any experience that is occurring in you but beneath the obvious has a great impact on you and your life. Finally, listen for the judgments you are making of people, things and experiences around you (especially as they relate to the dream you are trying to achieve). They will teach you where you need to heal, release, or transcend in order to further break an old pattern!

It takes the death of a minute to birth the next minute. Do not fear the release of what is not working for you. It will open the doors and make space for the new dream to manifest!

Have you noticed that when you are dating, the beginning of the relationship seems so free and fun? This is due to a variety of reasons but today I want to talk about a simple piece. At the beginning, you can be closest to the truth of who you are if you are having fun dating and not feeling desperate. That openness allows the other to see you and experience you with clarity of who you are. There is a sense of unity and closeness. It is that portion of the relationship that allows the two people to enjoy each other enough to want to pursue a continuous (and maybe monogamous) relationship with one another.

Then something happens! Because the relationship has been “defined”, the fear of loss (or more) encroaches. That is when many people begin to worry about what the other is thinking or doing. That is when many fears are able to enter because of the initial fear of loss. Now each of you has brought your challenges of this life into the relationship. It feels very different. There is now a bit of a distance between you whether you are conscious of it or not. That break from the unity, because of the fear, alters your fun and playfulness. This is the point at which your ability to communicate to grow the relationship may falter. Consequently, fear, which feeds upon itself, starts to push and pull in the relationship. It is that very break in separation that, when severe, leads to feelings of loneliness. Consequently, the subtle or gentle fear/worry that quietly separates the relationship also ignites a hidden fear of loss and loneliness that begins to filter your perceptions in the relationship!

So, how do you keep the new, playfulness alive? Simply? Embrace the fears. Do your best to not let the fears influence your choices. Instead, tell the person who you are dating that you have those concerns and ask what the two of you might do to help move beyond them. Once fear or worry is brought into the open it loses it’s force. It becomes more manageable.

For those of you with interest, here is a life mastery twist to the above conversation: Once worry enters the dating relationship, it interrupts the unity and joy that was defining the experience. That fear/worry creates a break that mimics and symbolizes the initial fear of separation felt upon entering life. It is subtle but real. It is that fear that separates you from Spirit, the One, God… It is what allows the ego to think it needs to know!

Please share your comments on the blog OR if you have any personal questions please send me your question at AskKristen@KristenBomas.com. I look forward to hearing from you all!

Have you, or anyone you’ve known, ever said you would never let your heart get broken again or let your Self get hurt again? How did you think you were going to DO that? Keep your Self out of a relationship that may hurt you or may end? Or end relationships before the other does? There are myriad ways people choose to TRY to avoid hurt!

Inadvertently, these efforts extend the suffering in this life. Why? Because ultimately, in this life, everyone looks for love, joy, fulfillment. Furthermore, humans are a group animal not independent. Consequently, everyone is looking for someone (I think that’s a song!). So, if someone is trying to avoid hurt then they are also avoiding relationships in some way. Even if they are avoiding intimacy, they are avoiding significant aspects of relationships.

What makes you or others go through such suffering to attempt to avoid hurt from loss or rejection? In some people, it can be that there was a loss in their life that was traumatic and they are trying to avoid the terror of the trauma that was. They are the few. For most, it is just not wanting to hurt. What about healing the hurt so that you can enjoy all relationships without needing to worry about where they are headed and if they are going to last?

Many are fearful not just because of the hurt, but because of hurt associated with other emotional experiences. Hurt, when caused by loss, can also bring up abandonment, loneliness, shame, and more. It is important to be aware of what you are experiencing so that you can heal and so that you can create the experiences you do wish to have. For example, if you are avoiding relationships because of hurt stemming from the rejection or abandonment then maybe you want to look at how to develop a relationship that grows rather than dissolves. In the meantime, you could work on healing the challenge of abandonment or rejection.

As you can begin to see that you cannot “do” this avoidance maneuver. It only causes the fear of the hurt to stay quite alive within you which will perpetuate the need to isolate which will perpetuate a loneliness. Avoidance will bring about the suffering in a different way while keeping the original pain alive in the background (so that you can avoid it!). Once the wound/challenge is healed you will not feel the same hurt you felt in the past. In fact, if you choose, you can heal to a point of not feeling hurt when a relationship ends – IF it ends!

Please share your comments on the blog OR if you have any personal questions please send me your question at AskKristen@KristenBomas.com. I look forward to hearing from you all!